On Being 29(For Now)… And Single(For Now)

So recently I saw a blog talking about being 29 and single.  It was written by a woman.  I’m not that. #NeverHaveBeenNeverWillBe

I talked with the aforementioned woman and she said I should write one from a man’s perspective.  I’ll type it instead.  #NewSchool  As a preface, I must say that this is a descriptive blog, not a prescriptive one.  It’s the story I’ve lived so far, and I hope you could learn a little from it, but it’s not really a suggestion.  It’s not a cry for help, or a wimper for help.  Although you can fill out this application if you or a friend are interested.

I digress…

I’ve often heard people talk about the pressure of singleness for women, and the dreaded “biological clock,” and I know that’s a real thing, but… as a dude, I think it’s important to note our own biological clock.  It’s called, “we die.”  Younger-ish on average than those without Y chromosomes.

Given that, and despite the advances in modern technology and my high level of income, the chances of a 50th wedding anniversary, grandkids who think I’m cool while I’m alive, and much less great grandkids fades more every passing year.  Not to mention whooping my kids in basketball when they’re in high school.

These may seem like outlandish things to be concerned about, and in the big scheme I’m sure they are… but that’s what I’ve seen modeled for me.  My parents are 50 and 48 and have been married for 30 years.  My granny and paw paw have been married for 57 years.  They’ve got great-great grand kids.  I’ve known a great-great grandmother, a great grandfather, 3 great grandmothers, and all 4 grandparents.  I’m mega blessed.  And as such, I’d love to be able to be that for my grandchildren, great grandchildren, or great-great grandchildren.

It’s not the end of the world to face those realities decreasing in likelihood, but it is something that I face anew with each passing year I live, each woman I don’t pursue, and each woman that says no.

It’s not a new thing. I haven’t been in a relationship, or even on a second date, in 4 and a half years (that was a nearly two month fling).

I haven’t been in a serious relationship in 8 and a half years. That one was the one I thought would be “her” for sure .  Everything was gonna work out.  It didn’t.  I was young.  She was young.  She was great.  We were great.  But, in the end something was missing.  That, and our insecurities didn’t work well together.

For a brief time longer I’m 29, and for an indefinite time longer I’m single.  104 of my facebook friends are listed as engaged, Charles Manson and Hitler had women, and I’m single… And I’m either awesome or my friends and mom are liars.  

What gives? Right?!

Single, something, I first hated being at 5 years old, with a kindergarten crush, a deep dissatisfaction that carried on for pretty much 2 decades.  I wouldn’t talk to my family about it, because, they’d just feel bad, and there’s nothing they could have done to fix it.  I just dealt with it.

It wasn’t always bad.  There was 1st grade, when I dated Erin for a full year.  I know what you’re thinking….  “There’s no way you were serious in 1st grade.”  Way!  I was fully serious… after the first day.  It didn’t work out though.  It ended when she moved to the next town and we couldn’t handle the distance.  Life’s hard.

After that came Sarah.  It was 2nd grade.  She was a cheerleader and I was a star football player.  It was destiny… until it wasn’t. I tried to rekindle in 5th grade, but alas, zero dice.

Most of the rest of elementary school, middle school, and high school were spent bouncing back and forth in interests, with a couple that lasted more than a year, and one that pretty much served as a dream Topanga from elementary till she got married.  Darn you Cory Matthews, what was your trick?!

Out of all those years 3rd grade-12th, nothing amounted to more than a two week relationship with a girl from church, Beth, and that was mainly because I wore her down with my mid-teenage persistence over a long period of time.  Well that, annnnnd a lack of options for her.  #HomeschoolSmallChurchLife

College was different.  There was more back and forth, but looking back I can say there were 3 girls that I loved as much as I had capacity for.  They’ve all since been either engaged, married, and/or had kids.

In college and the years following there was some rejection of me, but for the first time I passed on some opportunities, most of which happened after I lost some weight, and often involved someone who I wasn’t deeply enough interested in, but had let drift too close to me, because I’d not been able to say no to the drug of their attention and affirmation sooner.

And, of course, after college, there was at least one that I just blew because I was so deep in my own head and I couldn’t get out in time.  I’d developed this dating martyr spirit.  I knew the pain of being left, so I wasn’t going to inflict that on anyone else, even if it meant I was alone.  If I was going to ask them on a date, I HAD to be certain that I wanted them almost to the point of marriage.  But that was driven out of a pride and my past pain.  It was trying to make decisions for 2 people with one mind.  It was well-intentioned perhaps, but it wasn’t always well implemented.

So after all that, and more…over 24 years after that first heart flutter, here I sit, on a love seat, 3 days from turning 30, and no one making the hotline bling.  How do I feel about it?

I feel pretty good!

Why?  

Well among other reasons…

1.  Jesus
2. I’m not in a terrible relationship, and haven’t really ever been in one.

At 21 years old, if you’d told me I‘d be 25 and single, I would have thought that I would be the most desperate man in the world!  If I’d said I’d have been single at 29, I would have cried for days.  That didn’t happen, if anything I’ve gotten more discerning, patient, and at peace with each passing year.

I’d call my approach hopeful, but not needy.  It’s open, but incredibly patient.  It’s calculated, but not without spontaneity.  It’s Spontaneous and bold, but not brash; Open to suggestion, but not close to having my opinion ruled by it.  There are many women that I “see”..  I know some “see” me.  

But I’m not in a rush.  

I like to say the radar is STRONG, but the runway doesn’t clear many landings.    

Why so patient?

I’ve seen the goodness of the Lord.  I’ve learned who I am in Him.  I’ve learned the kind of man I want to be and the kind of life I am probably going to live.  And let me tell you… that is a great thing to know BEFORE you marry someone, otherwise you may have misrepresented yourself unknowingly.

You can be behaviorally mature and teachable, but not know yourself well enough to be married.  That was me before.  Circumstances have spared me of that fate and given me a deeper understanding of a lot of things.  Perhaps I could have gotten them in a relationship, but that’s, at best, conjecture.  They sit deeper with me now, and I’m grateful.

Also, I’ve seen the power it has in speaking to a younger crew of singles, who perhaps haven’t yet been fully freed from their worship of relationships or marriage.

It’s one thing for a married person to spout platitudes like “It’ll work out.  You’ll find the one when it’s time. Enjoy being single while you can.”  It’s often well meaning, but particularly from older people, it doesn’t really help as much as you’d like.  The underlying thought of us single folks can often become, “Easy for you to say bro, you’re leaving here and going home to your wife. Sounds tough.” That’s not your fault.  It’s just a thing.

But there’s something to it when I can sit with someone who’s struggling with a break up or with loneliness and say and mean. “Hey, ya know what…I’ve missed out on some wonderful women. I do mean truly wonderful.  A few of those were my fault, some was their fault, but the great majority had nothing to do with fault.  I’ve mostly done the right thing and been honorable almost exclusively for over 2 decades in this area of my life, and I don’t have the thing I have wanted to varying degrees for nearly a quarter century.  I don’t have her.  I’m not, knowingly, on the verge of having and being hers, and I may never have her.  I will go home to an empty bed tonight, tomorrow night, and for the foreseeable future, and yet…

But for real…I had a thought the other day, “I don’t know if I even have time for a relationship right now, if I want to keep growing and ordering things in my life as I have been.  I’m kind of on a roll.”  So, it snuck up on me over these last few years, but I’m aware that I’m not in a rush, and I won’t be… until I am.  And for the first time in my life, if it ever happens it will be because I came across a specific someone that I deeply want to die to self with more than me needing someone to fill a void.  And that…is “REALLY GOOD!”

The truth is…  I was always meant to miss out on countless wonderful women in terms of a relationship one way or another, everyone is.  #NotOldSchoolMormon  At most I miss out on one more wonderful woman than pretty much everyone else, but if I walk with the Lord, I’ll be the man I need to be with or without her for all the people that are guaranteed to be in my life.

So, 30 and single… Here I come! …Lord Willin!

31 … and single?  Ehhhh… we’ll see, but I wouldn’t necessarily bank on it.

 

 

 

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